Cactus Jack and Bob Filner?

“Cactus Jack” owns the Rainbow Computer Emporium in the back country East of Rainbow. Cactus has no redeeming qualities. He’ll lie to your face, cheat you if he can. His sun blasted face is twisted into a permanent cynical scowl. He smells of tobacco, whiskey and old leather. With his sweat stained Stetson, dusty denims and dirt caked cowboy boots, Jack looks more like a down-on-his- luck prospector than a computer store owner. Jack makes a living by abusing his computer store customers and selling computer related stuff. He comes into town once or twice a month to dumpster-dive at Fry’s. He salvages Apple logos and pastes them onto old phones, tablets and computers then sells them at swap meets. Jack say’s “folks that buy Apples ain’t got a lick of sense.” He claims he once sold a broken etch-a-sketch with a pasted on Apple logo to a high school art teacher for $300.

When Jack’s in town he often drops by our store.  Nome despises Cactus Jack and usually manages to hide in the bathroom till he’s gone. Last week when Jack walked in Nome was reading the paper and didn’t notice him until he was standing across the counter smack dab in front of her. “Hey sweetheart, c’mon out and give ole Cactus a big hug,” he thundered. Nome nearly jumped out of her skin. When she recovered her composure she spat out “hello Cactus.” It sounded like Jerry Seinfeld’s “Hello Newman.” Cactus Jack knows that Nome despises him but he just doesn’t care.

Nome had been reading the latest front page story on San Diego Mayor Bob Filner’s problems. “Them folks in San Diego must be stupider than a butt full of buckshot” Jack mused looking down at the paper.

“Why, because they elected Filner mayor?" Nome asked.

Jack snorted derisively. “Naw, they was right to elect him, they’re stupid fer wantin to git rid of him.”

Nome’s stared incredulously at Jack. “You think they are stupid for wanting to get rid of this arrogant, lying bully who sexually abuses women?”

“Oh come on sweetcakes, everybody knowd all that stuff bout Filner before they elected him. It come out in the campaign that he beat up a lady baggage handler and then he said I’m a congressman and can do anything I want. Hell, that ain’t arrogance or bullyin, that’s just being self-confident, telling it like it is, and not takin crap off nobody. That’s the main reason folks elected him.”

Nome looked stunned. “What about all those poor women he offended.”

Jack slapped his knee and hooted, “offended my ankle! They ain’t nuthin but a pack of hypersensitive cougars who want everybody to think that they still got it. Nancy Pelosi and Gloria Allred is the ones that got em all stirred up. I figure  the only reason they got cranked is cause Filner never made a pass at them. I don’t blame him either. Shows he’s got some common sense.”

“I don’t care what you say Jack” said Nome angrily, “Filner has to go.”

Jack smirked, “I hate to tell you this cookie, but Filner ain’t goin nowhere. You got to remember he’s a Dimocrat. By the time he gets back from rehab them folks is goin to forgive and forgit. Remember that guy who cheated on his wife, seduced a girl barely out of her teens in the oval office, lied to everyone about it, lied to a grand jury and got hisself impeached and disbarred? Now he’s the grand old man of the Dimocrat party, they love him. If they can forget what Clinton did, how hard’s it gonna to be to forgive ole Bob Filner for squeezing some butts and tryin to steal a kiss or two? Bob’s biggest problem is he don't  know that he’s an old man and uglier than a three day hangover.”

“So you want Bob Filner to keep his job?” asked Nome wearily.

"Heck no. I hope they do fire him. I’d offer him a job right off. Him and me would make one helluva tag team sellin used computers at the swap meet.” Said Jack wistfully.